JOKES N SHIZ

[MIKKI]

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm sitting naked inside a refrigerator..."

[GIOVONNI ASHTON]

Q: What goes up and down but does not move?
A: Stairs

Q: Where should a 500 pound alien go?
A: On a diet

Q: What did one toilet say to the other?
A: You look a bit flushed.

Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.

Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?
A: I'll meet you at the corner.

Q: What did the paper say to the pencil?
A: Write on!

Q: What do you call a boy named Lee that no one talks to?
A: Lonely

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.

Q: Why do bicycles fall over?
A: Because they are two-tired!

Q: Why do dragons sleep during the day?
A: So they can fight knights!

Q: What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up?
A: Someday my prints will come!

Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept!

Q: What part of the car is the laziest?
A: The wheels, because they are always tired!

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: Stick with me and we will go places!

Q: What is blue and goes ding dong?
A: An Avon lady at the North Pole!

Q: We're you long in the hospital?
A: No, I was the same size I am now!

Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!

Q: What did the laundryman say to the impatient customer?
A: Keep your shirt on!

Q: What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?
A: Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?

Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I'm coming down with something!

Q: Why was the belt arrested?
A: Because it held up some pants!

Q: Why was everyone so tired on April 1st?
A: They had just finished a March of 31 days.

Q: Which hand is it better to write with?
A: Neither, it's best to write with a pen!

Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!

Q: What makes the calendar seem so popular?
A: Because it has a lot of dates!

Q: Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?
A: He wanted to find Pluto!

Q: What is green and has yellow wheels?
A: Grass…..I lied about the wheels!

Q: What is it that even the most careful person overlooks?
A: Her nose!

Q: Did you hear about the robbery last night?
A: Two clothes pins held up a pair of pants!

Q: Why do you go to bed every night?
A: Because the bed won't come to you!

Q: Why did Billy go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn't find a date!

Q: Why do eskimos do their laundry in Tide?
A: Because it's too cold out-tide!

Q: How do you cure a headache?
A: Put your head through a window and the pane will just disappear!

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck!

Q: What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?
A: A minnie van!

Q: Why don't traffic lights ever go swimming?
A: Because they take too long to change!

Q: Why did the man run around his bed?
A: To catch up on his sleep!

Q: Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank?
A: He wanted to make a clean get away!